swift kick

in the mighty jungle

The hardest part of being me is being patient with people. While I have a great many faults, my biggest is expecting other people to be as quick and concise as I when telling a story or relating an experience. Perhaps my training as a writer should make me much more prone to meandering from …

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cosmo girls

Cold Play: God Put A Smile On Your Face I know that a good portion of my readership is female (based solely on the number of comments/email I receive from women). I can’t lay claim to having any understanding why that is since I think that I am about as sensitive as a concrete floor. …

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super moves

“A Swift Kick in the Pants,” my advice column, has been dormant for too long. Here are some recent requests for advice… From: xxxxxxx [xxxxxxxx@bellsouth.com] To: Monkey_Diarist [monkeydiarist@gmail.com] Date: Sun, 10 July 2005 13:18:18 (PDT) Subject: Hot Or Not? Hey Fucker, I may not fit the definition of a total hottie, but I’m not a …

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the killing moon

Our parking space is next to the parking space of someone who is a cockknocker. This piece of shit can’t park to save his life. You’d think he was a 16 year old girl considering how poorly he parks… at the very least he seems to show little consideration for whether or not we can …

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how to be dead

I posted a comment on another blog recently and it drove a few people to visit me here. Now, I usually post comments using an email address that I created specifically for such instances. Not because I’m afraid of getting spam, but because the Internet never forgets. I still can google comments that I made …

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harder to breathe

There are few things that can push me over the edge as quickly as indecision. I can accept it from children because they lack experience, but once you’ve been around the block a time or two all bets are off. Another thing I find annoying is standing in line, but standing in line is even …

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would you smile for me?

I’m a pretty easy going fella. Laugh if you must… I’ll wait. I’m easy going, but that doesn’t mean I’m tolerant. What I mean is that I won’t readily accept being treated like shit if you’re suffering from a nervous breakdown, pre-menstrual syndrome, post-partum depression, scurvy, irritable bowel syndrome, shingles, or calcium deficiency. In most …

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a plain morning

Does anyone else out there ever worry about whether our civilization is becoming too homogenized? This prevailing question infiltrates my daily existence. Over the last ten years, we have become a society that deems everything offensive. Gone are the days when you could joke around about ethnicity or sexuality without disturbing someone’s increasingly fragile sensitivities. …

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