inherently different

Archive for January, 2006

A meme originated by someone who then tagged oedipa… who then tagged me.

Seven movies I have loved:
1. Reservoir Dogs: Tarantino is an idiot savant.
2. The Killing: By far Stanley Kubrick’s best film. Better than Dr. Strangelove by a hair.
3. The Wild Bunch: Sam Peckinpah is/was the world’s greatest action director.
4. Night of the Hunter: Quite possibly the reason I fell in love with the medium. A perfect blend of writing and direction.
5. The Shawshank Redemption: The ONLY book-to-film adaptation to almost do the book justice. Frank Darabont is a gifted screenwriter and director.
6. The Bridge Over the River Kwai: The film that made me want to befriend a brit… limey is the result of that life long pursuit.
7. Double Indemnity: Who can resist the lure of film noir? Add to a perfectly executed film two of the most impressive acting exhibitions by Fred McMurray and Barbara Stanwyck and you have a near flawless film.

Seven books I like:
1. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
2. I Am Legend by Richard Matheson
3. Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
4. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
5. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
6. Requiem For A Dream by Hubert Selby
7. Naked Lunch by William Burroughs

NOTE: It is not lost on me that I have two books in this list that have heroin featured prominently. Perhaps that explains a lot about me… perhaps not.

Seven things I say:
1. You are a fucking tool.
2. I’ve got that going for me.
3. You have two options… shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here… feel free to mix and match these options.
4. Mother of Pearl!
5. Pardon me? (I give people the opportunity to correct themselves before I do).
6. About 165/170 (in response to the question, "What are you up to?"
7. Yes, I do, thank you for asking. (in response to the question, "Do you have the time?")

Seven things that attract me to a city:
1. Good pornography.
2. A ready supply of homeless so I can feel superior.
3. A steady supply of pharmacuetical grade narcotics.
4. Good restaurants.
5. A decent collection of bookstores.
6. A college (theoretically, a higher number of intelligent people would populate the city then… at least thats the idea.)
7. At least one major movie theater and one indie theater. Or a well-respected film festival.

Seven things to do before I die:
I’m forty. Whatever it is I’ve wanted to do, I’ve done. Twice.

Seven things I can’t do:
1. Hit a three pointer in a clutch situation.
2. Knit.
3. Look at another man’s hairy ass and feel attraction or envy.
4. Suffer fools.
5. Leave a witty comment unsaid.
6. Understand child abuse.
7. Forward a meme to another 7 hapless bloggers.

I read a post on a blog I frequent that  said, "These people are breaking. the. law. They sneak into the country, our tax dollars are being used to provide them with college education and health care, and a multitude of other services, and they are not contributing back in the form of taxes, because they get paid in cash. Because they’re illegal."

Of course, that isn’t entirely accurate. Even illegal immigrants who get paid under the table contribute to the economy by purchasing goods and services, renting homes and apartments, and generally being consumers. For the most part, because they are illegal, they are less likely to partake of generally available programs that might bring their illegal residency to light. But aside from that, what most people who oppose illegal immigration fail to realize is that our economy relies on cheap labor to function effectively.

The US economy is set to add 7.7 million low-skilled, low-wage jobs between 2000 and 2010, and these are jobs that appeal to an increasingly small number of Americans. Without an influx of immigrants to fill these jobs, the economy will slide. It won’t fail, but I can guarantee that it will seem like it is. Cheap labor and its availability has a significant impact on our economy.

An article I read once presented our dependence on cheap, immigrant labor this way… He called it the golden arch analogy… without access to cheap migrant labor, a Big Mac, which currently costs about $3 would be cost $5. This is because migrant labor literally makes our Big Macs. They pick the vegetables, pack the meat (meatpacking plants of the Midwest are almost exclusively employ illegal immigrants because no one else in their right minds would work in such an unpleasant environment), harvest the grains for the bread, etc.

There are other products that would also be adversely affected in a similar manner. Everything we consume would be 40-50% more expensive. People don’t realize what cheap labor means to the US economy. Now I agree that there needs to be limits and that we should take a hard look at how porous our borders are, but our problems are not really with illegal immigrants.

To blame illegal immigrants for increased crime is just nonsense… saying that is akin to claiming that only Mexicans and African Americans commit crimes. It is deluded and borderline racist. I don’t think we should coddle immigrants, but at the same time I don’t believe immigration, legal or otherwise, is to blame for American problems (crime, taxes, etc). One need only look at the amount of money we spend for the current war, the war on drugs, and long term imprisonment of violent criminals to know that what we expend providing for illegal immigrants is a drop in the bucket.

Ten Famous People Who I Would Gladly Skull Fuck If Skull Fucking Wasn’t Illegal… In no particular order…

Michelle Malkin: It is bad enough that she wrote a book extolling the virtue of interning Japanese Americans during World War II, but what makes it worse is that she thinks that republicans will remember her as a patriot when the dust settles. I’m of the mindset that this useless bag of estrogen is simply a republican hand puppet that sought and found a quick and easy path to notoriety. It was either tow the republican line or take a job as a bottle opener… Think I’m kidding? Find a picture and look at her horse teeth!

Oprah Winfrey: I’ve blasted this media whore more often than her alleged boyfriend steadman frequents gay bars. When she isn’t acting as a beard for her obviously gay ex-fiance, she is single handedly dumbing down American women. I’m pretty sure that she just reaches into a bag filled with books to choose her book club offerings. The latest scandal involving A Million Little Pieces writer James Frey shows just how completely out of sync with reality Oprah can be. Throw in the fact that she created "Dr." Phil from whole cloth and you get an understanding of the danger posed by self-promoting fuck buckets like Oprah.

Bill O’Reilly: If you are an unrepentant Democrat, Bill O’Reilly is among the most despised people on the planet. If you’re a republican, he is the messiah. I’m not too concerned with politics though. My beef with him is his hypocrisy. While he portrays himself as a patriot and a morally superior person, the truth is he’s a sexual deviant and morally bankrupt instigator who badgers guests all for the sake of ratings. Throw in the fact that he’s a self promoter on par with Oprah and you’ve got the kind of empty brain pan that makes skull fucking not only possible, but highly enjoyable.

Ann Coulter: Two words: Misguided Cunt… Oh if I could only stop there! Truth is I wouldn’t skull fuck this boob job enhanced skeleton with a borrowed dick unless what passes for her brain were surgically removed first. Even a avowed skull fucker like yours truly has standards.

Pat Robertson: This televangelist is quite possibly the most reprehensible human being on the face of the planet. That he controls a vast and powerful organization capable of unparalleled hate makes me truly wish there was a god. Surely if there was one, Pat Robertson would be plagued with the worst case of hemorrhoids ever documented by modern science.

Paris Hilton: Why is this piece of shit famous? Seriously… After numerous men have come forward with video after video of Paris getting bukkake treatments, you would think most people would be afraid to shake her hand much less kiss her lopsided face. If I saw her getting fucked by a donkey down in TJ, I’d call animal welfare in a heartbeat.

Sarah Jessica Parker: This vapid actress has single-handedly lowered both the collective IQ and glass ceiling for women the world over. Considering how many times I’ve heard women call Carrie Bradshaw, the carefree harlot Parker portrayed on TV, as a role model, you’d think women are more concerned with shoes and getting fucked four ways to sunday by Mr. Big than they are about such things as business, culture and equality.

Isaac Mizrahi: Why is it that the gayest man on the planet got to feel up Scarlett "Tits" Johansson? Proving once again that gay men have more fulfilling lives than us hapless losers that sit at home and wish we could feel Scarlett Johansson’s tits in front of the world.

Brett Ratner: Exactly why a director whose main claim to fame is directing a Mariah Carey music video and the homo-erotic TV show Prison Break was given the reins of the most successful comic-book-to-movie franchise in history is anyone’s guess. He’s gonna fuck it up I JUST KNOW IT! Tool!

Kevin Federline: Britney is a fucking whore, but no one deserves this hillbilly for a husband. The fact that he is shamelessly riding her fame to launch a career as a rapper is beyond ridiculous. Every black man on the planet should kick this fuckers ass back to the Ozarks as quickly and quietly as possible. If the fact that he is attempting to rap isn’t reason enough, he bedded ex-Moesha actress Shar Jackson before she got ugly and fat.

Fame is an interesting thing. I mean, there are so many ways you can gain the attention of the masses. The thing is, fame is one sure way of creating your own private prison. I’m not sure why anyone would want to be famous short of the opportunity of fucking other famous people. Outside of your libido though, why would anyone want to subject themselves to the scrutiny of complete strangers.

The thought of becoming famous should be even less attractive to deviants… like Woody Allen who slept with his adopted daughter… granted it would have been sicker if she was related by blood…

Or how would you like to be gary glitter. That fucker can’t catch a break. Why? Cause he’s famous! If he was just gary rottencrotch from Yorkshire, you can bet he’d still be able to cruise 12 year olds in bangkok with little difficulty. As it is, everyone recognizes that fucker (of course, if he wasn’t famous, that rapist mullet would probably still gain the wrong kind of attention).

Have you seen Brokeback Mountain, Transamerica or Capote? If you have, you’re a leftist commie looking to destroy american ideals! Well, according to a group calling itself concerned women for america you’re undermining the very moral fiber of the american public.

In case you’re wondering, the three movies I mentioned above all have gay or transgender characters. In yet another bit of political wrangling, the group is trying to call attention to the gayification of America. Whether you know it or not, if you watch a movie with a gay character, chances are you’ll be turned into a flaming homosexual deviant. You’ll also be making baby jesus cry.

I’m sorry if I’m making light of a rather serious problem. The problem I’m talking about isn’t homosexuality because there isn’t anything wrong with it in any way. What I am talking about is the growing voice of intolerence being camouflaged as patriotism. It boggles my mind that we’re hurtling toward a nuclear showdown with China and there is a group more concerned about human sexuality as it pertains to moral decay. It bothers me that a group that openly opposes an entire population of people based on their sexuality should give a rats ass what I choose to watch or what hollywood chooses to produce. The idea that watching or producing films that feature gay or transgender characters might turn someone into a homosexual is beyond ridiculous.

I hope my screenplay about a straight post-op transgender woman who realizes she’s in love with her lesbian doctor who in turn is having an affair with a hermophrodite is optioned this year… I think there is a market for a gender-ambivalent love story!

A while back, someone asked me why I seem to never have a problem with the ladies. Of course, the sentiment behind the question, while generally true, isn’t entirely accurate. I don’t have a problem attracting them, but I have, if one were to explore my history, problems keeping them happy indefinitely.

The reason of course can be illustrated with some simple math. Most women add up a few characteristics and experiences and the end sum is usually a gold band and a little house with a white picket fence. See, I don’t subscribe to the idea that love and commitment eventually lead up to marriage. In my view, you can have the first two without ever having to explore the third.

I love my gf, but I have no intention (at least right now) of getting married. Thankfully, she is not only well aware of this fact, but is also in no hurry to run down the aisle. And that my friends and neighbors is the essence of a great relationship: being on the same page at the same time. For all our combined faults, the one thing my sig other and I can believe in is that we see things roughly the same way. Without that connection, all the other stuff is just fantasy.

So, back to the original sentiment behind the question. Yes, I have never had a problem with attracting women. That isn’t to say that I think I’m all that attractive… to the contrary. I think I’m a cleft lip and lazy eye short of hideous, but what I lack in visual appeal I make up in other ways… and those are the things most men who are successful with women all have in common. I am going to tell you what these things are… now you don’t need to be all these things, but it helps if you have a nice assortment of these traits…

10. Be funny.
09. Be honest.
08. Be punctual.
07. Be understanding.
06. Be intelligent.
05. Be active.
04. Be confident.
03. Be decisive.
02. Be adaptable.
01. Be yourself.

That’s it. While some may look at that list and wonder if really is the key to constantly being courted by a plethora of vivacious vixens, the truth is that there is a possibility that even if you had all these characteristics, you still might not get any action. Of course, if that happens, chances are you’re just a tool and few if any pieces of advice will rectify that particular shortcoming.

In case you guys don’t know this, for the last 8 months or so, I’ve spent more time building web sites than I have writing for my old publisher. Over the last two months, I’ve been working on building a web site for what I believe is THE client from hell… THC for short.

THC hired me to build a web site for her husband’s company… which just happens to be a mobile lavatory provider… In otherwords, they rent portable shitters.

Now, I’m not sure if any of you have ever done contract work before, but there are two kinds of clients: GBs and NDs.

GB stands for Green Bleeder. These guys are notorious for bleeding money.  A GB company doesn’t care how much it costs so long as it gets done. These are by far my favorite clients. They are few and far between these days. The late 90s was by far the best time to work for GB companies, which is what brought about the demise of the Dot Coms.

ND stands for Nickel & Dimer. They count every fucking cent that goes out of their company as if it were the Hope Diamond on loan. The type of client that could stretch a penny into five miles of copper wire. These are the most popular types of companies contractors work for these days. Since I started working for myself a few years ago, they are my bread and butter… which is about all I can afford to buy for dinner if I had to rely solely on them to make ends meet. The THC (remember her from above?) is about the worst ND I have ever come across.

Aside from not knowing what they want, they barely know what they don’t. I’ve sent them 12 different comps and they’ve noped me at every step. They’ve claimed at various times that my plans are: Too complex, too simple, not readable, too wordy, chaotic, spartan, too white, too dark… I’ve about had it with them. I even offered to just give back their deposit and part ways amicably, but the crazy bitch in charge of the project (the owner’s wife) won’t let me go. Gah!

My favorite joke of all time? I’m glad you asked! (can you tell I’m dredging the bottom of the barrel for content for my blog?)

Two cannibals are sitting in a clearing eating a clown. The first cannibal says to the second cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Yeah, this is just one of a long list of things that kept me out of the really good colleges.