inherently different

Archive for May 23rd, 2005

I like zombies. Anyone who pays attention to the way I operate will probably say, “It figures.” See, I believe zombies are the perfect human machines*. No longer tied to the rules that hold humanity back, zombies are free to explore the undiscovered territory of their potential. Humans are, by and large, held back by two traits that are not present in a zombie… emotion and thought. Without those two abilities, humans could exist happily, and like zombies, forever.

I’m not an emotional guy. I don’t cry at the end of Old Yeller, and in fact I find sentimentality rather mundane. As far as I’m concerned, emotions are really a poor use of energy and I would rather scoop my eyes out with a rusty spoon than to expend energy crying, being sad, or worrying about things I can’t control. I am, in other words, an emotional zombie and proud of that fact.

Speaking of Zombies, there are two great things on the horizon for zombie lovers like myself. The first is George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead and the Spiereg Brother’s Undead. If you want to prepare for the onslaught of zombie entertainment in the coming months, you’d do well to read The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead. I’ve read it and found it to be chockful of hundreds of useful tips one might need in the case that the world is overrun by the walking dead.

*Note: I am well aware that zombies do not exist. Please do not write to tell me what I already know.

Date: September 26, 2004 12:19
From: monkeydiarist@gmail.com
To: Buzzine Magazine
Importance: Medium
Subject: Horrible grammar!

Message: I just paid a visit to your Website and watched an ad for the Buzzine Photo Galleries. The copy in the banner read, "Amazing exclusive photo’s from movie set’s and more. Check them out in the Buzzine Galleries!"

Maybe English is your second language, or you’re a team of homeless people working out of box in an alley, or perhaps you’re talented journalists trying to do your best to keep fans informed, but can only afford a cheap word processor that doesn’t have a grammar checker. I’m personally leaning toward thinking you employ a monkey to bang on keys in the hope that your target audience will understand a portion of what spills forth.

To be clear, your banner ad should read, "Amazing exclusive photos from movie sets and more. Check them out in the Buzzine Galleries!" A quick pass by a qualified proofreader or even grammar check in Microsoft Word would let you know that none of the words in that ad require an apostrophe. Apostrophes are used to note possession, contractions, or omitted letters in a word.

Now, I’m sure that your monkey works cheaply, but I would suggest, since you do publish a "professional" webzine, that you invest in either a proofreader or a better word processor. In the long run, you’ll find it a wise investment. At the very least, it will prevent random emails from nitpicky assholes like myself.

Warmest regards,

E!

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Subject:    Horrible grammar!
Date:    5/21/2005 4:36:01 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From:    "Aaron Sxxxxx" <xxxx@xxxxx.com>
To:    <monkeydiarist@gmail.com>
Organization:    xxxxxx Media

E,

English is my first, and only language.
And, we’re not a bunch of kids (I’m 41, and CEO).
We are journalists.
We do need another proofreader.
Everyone I hire speaks English as their native tongue.
I have some overzealous staff members who post before proofing (myself
included). I applaud your honest critique, pithy wit and honesty. Thanks,
and we’ll do our best to keep it on tract.

Take care,

Aaron Sxxxxx

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Now, the question: Should I email him back and ask him whether or not he thinks that hitting RETURN after every sentence fools me into thinking he knows how to punctuate and structure a sentence? Or if he knows the difference between the words "tract" and "track," especially when one is better suited to his meaning than the other? Is this a lost cause?

Notice the date I sent the original message… and the date he responded… nothing like showing your readership how seriously you take their concerns.