inherently different

Archive for December, 2004

Posting might be lighter than usual this week. We’re moving into our new deluxe apartment in the skies high above South Kihei. Hope your holiday week was fabulous.

I know this is the day where we’re all supposed to be good. Of course, if I did that, I’d be a hypocrite. Some less than suitable observations on Christmas Day:

1. Why is William Hung famous? Doesn’t anyone notice that he looks a lot like Corky from Life Goes On? The guy is more suited to a feature on Tard-blog.com than video specials on VH1. What’s wrong with you people? Why do you continue to buy his music?

2. I’ve been wracking my brain for years trying to figure out exactly what prompted the oversized clothing craze. Rodeo clowns. When you wear big pants, oversized shirts and hats positioned haphazardly on your head, you don’t look cool… you look like a rodeo clown… or Corky from Life Goes On.

Naming your blog is possibly the most important step in this whole blogging business. For instance, Grace D. chose I Am Dr. Laura’s Worst Nightmare as the title of her blog. As you can imagine, her chosen name pushes buttons like a checker at the grocery store. Before I stumbled on the name The Monkey Diaries, I contemplated using, “One Hand on the Bible, the Other in a Choir Boy’s Pants,” but the name was too long and looked really bad with the design I had chosen.

Heather B’s incredibly entertaining blog, Dooce, has since spawned an urban dictionary entry. I would imagine she comes up in a variety of search engine returns that are at best questionable and at worst, objectionable. I personally like saying it almost as much as I enjoy reading it… doooooooooooce!

Laura, of Daxahol fame, is addicted to her child and named her blog appropriately. Of course, chances are better than good that someday Glaxo-Wellcomb will bury her under the weight of heavy litigation for the right to use the name for a pregnancy-safe laxative. Until then, she’s one of the few mommyblogs I can tolerate… perhaps because she (and Dooce for that matter) don’t take themselves too seriously.

Some of you may remember the Sad Day In Mudville post in which I detailed the dunking of my camera into a stream while hiking. I just got the repair estimate… I’m now $161 poorer, but the cost is worthwhile if you consider a new camera of equal capability is in the $1000 range.

I miss my camera like Oprah misses pie.*

*You’d think that at some point I’d get tired of using metaphors to communicate an idea, but I never do.

As you can see, I’ve made a few alterations to the monkey diaries. I’m tooling around with CSS (cascading style sheets) in anticipation of a project I might be working on. I have a love/hate relationship with CSS that began a few years ago when I left Blogger (or bloogle if you’re paying attention) for MovableType. I liked Blogger alright, but some aspects of the app left me wanting and MovableType scratched an itch blogger couldn’t reach. Anyway, CSS controls a webpage much as Cheney controls Bush, which is to say it controls it completely and effortlessly.

Be prepared to see frequent changes over the course of the next few weeks. Until I can get to the point where I can control my REM sleep through CSS, you can be sure I’ll keep plugging away. There are some bloggers who have mastered CSS and its many uses. I am afraid to say that I am not among them. Yet.

In other news, I’ve been listening to some old school 70s pop rock lately. I’m talking Paul McCartney & Wings, Elton John, Simon & Garfunkel, and Dr. Hook. Judging from what I know about my regular readers, I’d say few of you know more than a song or two from the playlist in rotation on my MP3 player these days. Perhaps I’ll have to post a MonkeyRadio collection sometime in the next week or so.

Walking around here on Maui, I’m not reminded very often that it is late December much less that we’re knee deep in the hypocrisy of Christmas. I can’t say that my utter contempt for this particular holiday and the fact that it isn’t a big a deal here had much to do with my decision to move here, but I can say that I’m even more pleased with my decision now.

I know there are a lot of people out there who LOVE the holidays and might even go as far as exhibiting some level of “good will” toward their neighbors, but it is all absolutely fake. Really, I’m calling all you “happy holiday” types out and stating for the record that you’re as plastic as a six pack ring.

I’ve always felt the same way about the holidays. Even as a child I was able to see past the artificial joy of those around me. I’ll admit, I’m not the ideal demographic sought after by the marketing machine behind Christmas (I have a brain that doesn’t disengage when presented with heart-string-pulling-advertising), but c’mon how obtuse do you have to be to fall for all that feel-good crap?

Now, I don’t believe that the holiday has anything to do with religion, so my disinterest in the celebration has nothing to do with my stance against organized religion. Of course, I’d be remiss in my responsibility to truth if I didn’t remind any “good Christian” that Christmas is the end-result of the biggest advertising campaign ever initiated by man. First, historically speaking, Christ wasn’t born in December, but in the Spring. Second, the Christmas celebration was created by the Christian Church to compete with pagan Winter/New Year celebrations. How much more artificial can you get than a holiday created out of whole cloth in order to please the populace? I’d rather celebrate Festivus if I’m going to buy into an artificial holiday.

You can sing your carols, be temporarily nice to complete strangers, and buy into the materialistic “spirit” of the season if you like, but don’t expect me to join you.

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events is the short attention span answer to the Harry Potter books. I’d have to say that I didn’t really find much to like in the Lemony Snicket series with the exception of the main premise, which is three orphans struggling to survive a series of unfortunate events. The books are thin on plot or dialog so when they announced a film based on the series, you could color me unimpressed.

Of course, a funny thing happened on the way to the straight-to-video bin and that thing was Jim Carrey. Few could argue Jim Carrey’s appeal considering that he is among Hollywood’s highest paid stars. With amazingly colorful turns in such notable films as The Truman Show, Man in the Moon, and The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Carrey is a theatrical chameleon, capable of shining regardless of the genre.

Lemony Snicket would not be the movie that it is without the talents of Mr. Carrey. Without him it would be a poor stopgap as we wait for the next installment in the Harry Potter series. With him it is a shining example of books that take on new life when brought to the screen. You’d have to go back to Forrest Gump to see a story that was better as a film than as a book. If this is what we can expect from future films in the Lemony Snicket series, you can count me among the fans eagerly anticipating the next installment.

I grew up with the schlocky Rankin & Bass animated holiday specials… you know the ones… “Year Without A Santa Claus,” “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,” and “Frosty the Snowman.” They served their purpose, but now they’re really outdated. A few years ago, Mad TV unveiled the first of dozens of shorts produced and directed by Corky Quakenbush. One of them was a “re-imagined” version of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” directed by Martin Scorsese called Raging Rudolph.*

*Link and file removed 12.25.04… hey, it’s no longer christmas

The Red Queen and I are watching the show now. Of course, being almsost five hours behind the East Coast here on Maui, the rest of the nation already knows what happened, but I have avoided reading my normal sources so that I can be surprised. As the show goes on though, it’s clear, at least to me, that Kelly should win the whole shebang.

As leader, you should know how to manipulate people without them knowing it. Kelly can do that, but his competition, Jennifer, can’t… also, I think she’s a complete moron. Kelly should win it.

UPDATE: I was right. The West Point trained Kelly beats Princeton trained uber-bitch Jennifer.

Let’s live for a moment in the world of fantasy and say I won a huge jackpot… $300 million or so. Know what I would do with the money left over after paying taxes, bills and whatnot?

Glad you asked… here’s what I’d do.

I’d go on a life mission to grant people’s wishes. I’m not talking about just having people submit them to me like I’m Mr. Moneybags, that would be too easy.

What I would do is strap on a backpack and walk around, meeting people, finding out if they’re worthy of having a wish fulfilled. I believe some people should be rewarded for their spirit, generosity and good will and this is as good a way as any of meeting these people.

One of the reasons I dislike the holidays is because people exhibit these traits solely because of the season. I’ve often asked, “Why can’t they be like this year round?” In fact, there are people like that and those are the ones who should be rewarded. Don’tcha think?