inherently different

Archive for September, 2004

Back in 1991 while working for a computer reseller, I learned to use photoshop to edit images. I would take people out, put people in, place objects (computers mostly) into different scenes and occasionally, edit images of the president of the company to see what he would look like bald, fat and old. Needless to say, while I was a hit with the other employees, my boss took exception.

Anyway, I needed to submit a picture of me looking reasonably professional. I didn’t have any recent pictures of me in a suit other than weddings and in most of those, I was three sheets to the wind. So, I grabbed a picture of me from the Black & White Ball back in 1999.

Of course, I would have to edit out the floozy on my arm.

So I removed myself from her grip, shuffled over a few feet to where the background was more image friendly, and shazam! Here’s the pic I’m submitting to the publishing company I work for. Of course, this was five years ago. I’m five years older, fatter, balder. It is ironic that for all that work I did making my boss look bald, fat and old, I’m the one that actually got balder, fatter and older and he has simply become a mutli-billionaire who can afford hair implants, personal trainers and collagen injections.

Is it that I’m kind of an asshole? Are my political views turning you off? Do I look fat in this blog? Why are not thousands of people helping me bring down the evil empire of Viacom? Show your support for my life’s work and place the “Bring Back My MTV” logo somewhere on your blog and link it to the appropriate entry. Gigglechick did it! So did Wetwired! Have you no passion for empty vee, I mean MTV? Reality TV Killed the Video Star and it’s time to save the music… video!

While some might believe that the random bits of flesh who populate such shows as Survivor are tough as nails, this guy has them all beat. This guy and the other guy who cut off his own arm when a rock fell on it are REAL surviovors.

In case you’re at all interested, two things to report. One: I’m trying to break into the hospitality industry. Two: On the right sidebar, you’ll see a link titled, “About Maui,” which you’ll find useful if you ever plan a trip to Maui. I’m working on a more complete list of all the islands in Hawaii, but for now, Maui will have to do.

Where were you back on August 1st, 1981? It is safe to say that anyone who was remotely interested in music back then would have been glued to the newest cable channel to hit the airwaves. Yep, I’m talking about MTV. It was everything that music could be and would become. It was visual. It was wild. It was neon… er, scratch that last bit. Regardless, MTV was an immediate hit. If you didn’t have cable, chances are you knew someone who did and you knew what to ask for… “I Want My MTV!”

Twenty three years later, while the name remains the same, the song doesn’t. Gone are the videos that made the station a hit, replaced with voyeuristic trips into rather bland, meaningless and oftentimes, overtly staged, theatrics by twenty-somethings who would do anything to get attention.

Let’s face it, MTV sucks and has sucked for going on ten years. Yeah, I know that MTV2 plays videos constantly, but MTV2 sucks twice as bad. I miss MTV like the desert misses the rain.

Wouldn’t it be great if, through the force of thousands, neigh, millions of fans, we could convince the suits that control the station to push all the schlock to MTV2 and bring back the format that defined a generation? What would it take do you think? A massive drive of people writing in? I’m not sure how to go about it but I know that the blogging community is definitely a powerful force.

If you, like me, believe that MTV is misnamed and only a return to the original format of playing music videos 24-hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year can return the station to its former glory, download then put the image below somewhere on your blog
(To download the image, using a PC: Right Click, Save As/Using a Macintosh: Control-click, Save Image As), then link the image to this entry. Once we can see how many people are willing to participate in a massive blogger assault on Viacom to BRING BACK MY MTV!

If you care to, tell all your blogging friends and let the word spread like a flock of seagulls… er, or something.

UPDATE: The image is now a .gif file and transparent which will allow you to place it on your blog and it will automatically fit with your color scheme. Thanks to Pylorns for the suggestion. Also, please comment here (or email me: MonkeyDiarist AT gmail.com) and let me know you Want Your MTV Back and that you linked this post on your blog. Thanks!

Don’t cry for recently retired NBA coach Phil Jackson, he seems to be enjoying life off the court. The Red Queen and I had dinner at a local Sushi restaurant here on Maui (sansei’s) that all the locals love. There, in the corner was Phil Jackson. As we were being seated, he was finishing up. He walked right behind us, thanked the Sushi chefs (we were seated at the sushi bar) and left. He’s tall. Supernaturally tall. Like sasquatch tall.

Now, if I can convince the Red Queen to call me the next time Willie Nelson is getting a massage at the spa she works at…

Sure you did… You called it years ago. When everyone was talking about the fall of other child stars like Todd Bridges, Adam Rich, Corey Haim, Dana Plato, you had your designs on another, younger, much more vulnerable young star. You said, “You watch, one day Macaulay Culkin will either O.D. or he’ll be arrested for possesion.” While I’m sure lots of bloggers are talking about how Culkin was a trainwreck waiting to happen, I can say from personal experience that any guesses were little more than wishful thinking.

While at Sundance this past year, the Red Queen and I saw Culkin and the rest of the cast of Saved! out and about, having fun and interacting with fans and journalists. He was gregarious (think high school drama nerd), relaxed and comfortable. Was he medicated? While I can’t say with absolute certainty (unless I have the urine sample I stole after I followed him into the mens room analyzed by Quest that is), I doubt he was. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a prediliction toward dropping a couple of dimes on some quality smack, but I can say that he doesn’t exhibit any of the normal behavior of your typical drug-addled star. Yeah, he sought and received emancipation from his parents while still a minor, and yeah, he married some random girl at 16, but that doesn’t seem anywhere near as weird as say wandering into your neighbor’s bedroom and coping some quality Zs.

Anyway, Culkin was arrested because there was a bag with $4k and 17 ounces of cheeba under his seat and a “controlled dangerous substance” for which he did not have a prescription stuffed down his pants. Keep in mind that among the many prescription drugs that fall under this category are Valium, Codeine, and Zoloft. News reports state that the drug was something that controlled anxiety and seizures so my guess is that the drug is Diazepam better known by the consumer name, Valium. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve tried Vallium and I can say that when it comes to party drugs, I don’t consider Vallium to be very high on the list.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this little drug incident is pretty minor in relation to other incidents involving celebrities. Is it the beginning of a much bigger problem? Probably, but until I see video of Macaulay Culkin sporting a runny, cocained-powdered nose, covered in blood, carrying a severed head down the Sunset Strip screaming that he’s just been elected Pope, I think we can safely say that Culkin isn’t quite ready for rehab.

It’s how you look!”

Billy Crystal doing a spot on imitation of Fernando Lamas would say that often and right now, that’s about the best way I can put it when it comes to this blog. For quite some time I’ve struggled with finding the inspiration and the time to write in this blog, but even when the motivation is lacking, I know that writing is what keeps me from picking up an AK-47 (Thanks for not renewing the ban, Georgie!) and spraying a busload of tourists on South Kihei Road.

So, this cosmetic change (I’m not sure it qualifies as an improvement) is at least something I can say is different even if only temporarily so.

UPDATE: Originally, the image of Billy Crystal as ‘Nando was not part of this post. I did a cursory search for the picture and found that it was almost impossible to obtain. I like to think I’m a master when it comes to Internet searches. I knew what Boolean search strings were and how to use them long before Al Gore invented the Internet or Vinton Cerf developed ARPANET; use whichever creationist theory you subscribe to.

I was among the first 100 people with consumer accounts on CERFNet, possibly the first commercially available Dial Up Internet Service (eventually eaten up by AT&T). I write these things here not to name drop or exhibit my complete lack of shame when it comes to all things nerdy, but to simply illustrate the idea that when I try to find something on the Internet and fail, there is something terribly wrong with the world… possibly CONSPIRACY level wrong. I began working out the possible reasons why Nando couldn’t be found on the Internet. Could George Bush, feeling ashamed that he didn’t push for a continued ban on assault weapons, decide that keeping the world safe from visages of Nando in white polyester would be a suitable way of laying claim to the title protector of the free world? Was the real Fernando Lamas a Mason hell-bent on burying all evidence of the mockery Crystal made of his stately manner? What could the answer be? Why, oh, why couldn’t I find one decent image?

I didn’t give up looking for a suitable picture of Billy Crystal imitating Fernando Lamas, but I was rather perplexed considering that I don’t think you could walk six feet back in 1984 without some wit (or half-wit) uttering, “You look mahvelous dahling!” In fact, I challenge anyone around the continental United States in 1984 to tell me they have not seen a magazine cover, picture, SNL skit, or other media representation of Crystal’s famous imitation. I double-dog dare you. Be forewarned though… I’ll call you a liar (possibly a fucking liar depending on how lame you sound when you say it) and mean it.

But I digress. I searched high and low and couldn’t get a decent image. I found various links to Crystals album, Mahvelous!, some random shots of Crystal in various film roles, Academy Award appearances, and Industry events, but finding a good image of Nando seemed almost impossible to obtain. The Official SNL site wasn’t much help and this SNL archive site, while a bit better, still fell miserably short of providing a good shot of Nando in his Hideaway.

If you have some time, why not try to one-up me. The rules are simple. Use the web, perform the search yourself (asking the neighborhood techie for help is verbotten!), and find an image of Billy Crystal as Fernando Lamas that is at least 300 pixels by 300 pixels. Ready? Go!

I’m not really sure how the police work on the rest of the islands since my experience with them is strictly as a tourist. Since I’ve been living on Maui though, I can say that Maui’s police seem to be less than enthusiastic about erradicating the Ice epidemic. A few nights ago right outside of our apartment complex, some people were parked smoking Ice and they were approached by some police officers. Apparently, after taking their paraphenalia and drugs, they let them go. I’ve heard this same story from others I’ve met and talked to about the lazy attitude of the police here on Maui. I’m not sure if all the police on Maui have such a lazy attitude when it comes to methamphetamine, but apparently on the southside police have more important concerns that stopping what is now an out-of-control problem that affects people from all walks of life in Hawaii.

The beach that I play volleyball on three times a week has a whole gaggle of bums who sell Ice to people who walk up or drive up and buy from them in broad daylight. I have yet to see a police officer even bat an eyelash.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to photograph these guys selling. Fuckers.

If you need info about where to stay on Maui, things to see, or general info on the best times to visit, you can always ask me. Either post a comment in any thread (this one would be best of course) or send an email to me at: calsnoboarder@netscape.net

I’ll send you a link to list things to do, places to stay, and general information about Maui.