I love to fuck with people. I love to fuck with people who cheat even more… a few days ago I received one of those phishing emails that you occasionally get… you know the kind where some "barrister" from Nigeria or Zimbabwe emails you and lets you know that 1) a distant family member has died; and 2) you stand to inherit a vast sum of money.
The following is the message I received and my response… let’s see where it goes… if anywhere.
Dear Random Internet Email Addressee ,
I am barrister Caroline Dabla a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney to Dr. N.J Random Last Name, a national of your country, who used to work with Shell development company in lome.togo. Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 21st of April 2003, my client, his wife and their three children were involved in a car accident along Sagbama express road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there lives.
Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the security company where this huge deposits were lodged. Particularly, the SAMPET TRUST FINANCE SECURITY COMPANY where the deceased had an deposited valued at about Eighteen million US dollars (US$18m)has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days.
Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the the relatives for over 2 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at Eighteen Million US dollars(US$18m) can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money. 60% to me and 40% to you, I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this dealt through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch through my private email address.
Barrister Caroline Dabla
Wow… that’s sad news indeed. Although, i guess his death (and that of his spouse and progeny) means possible wealth for me… I can tell you quite honestly that I have heard of this distant relative and can find little in the way of sympathy since he was both a liar and a cheat. I hear he once kicked our dog before he moved to your country.
Rather than get all sentimental, I ask only what do I have to do to access this windfall? I’m pretty rich to begin with (more than $6.2 million already in the bank!) but can always use more! How am I supposed to stay knee deep in hookers and heroin for the rest of my life on a paltry 6.2 million? Your email reached me at a critical time and I thank you for your diligence! Let me know what i can do to help you resolve this dilemma.
Unfortunately, I cannot be reached by phone right now as I am on an island in the pacific doing research (the mating habits of a nocturnal jellyfish… quite fascinating really… have you ever licked a jellyfish? The hallucinegenic properties are unrivaled in the animal kingdom). I am of course available through this email address at your leisure.
Sincerely, Random Email Addressee