In the previous post, Dawn was curious about my reference to infidelity. I used infidelity in my analogy to child rearing, but I equate everything to an understanding of principle over mechanics. For instance, you don’t need to own a tiger to know that a tiger could kill you. My analogy was directed from that viewpoint. I’m often faced by people who think they know better than I do just because they have first hand experience. While they may have a unique perspective, that is a conceited way of thinking. A doctor knows about cancer without ever needing to actually contract cancer to understand it.
I study people. I can, 9 times out of 10, figure someone out in just a few minutes of interacting with them. I know what they want, why they want it, and more importantly, whether or not they’d compromise their morals or belief systems to get it. This analytical skill grew from my experiences as a child. I watched my mother cheat on my father… later, I was able to see the signs of infidelity in the women I dated.
To be honest, I’m curious about the motivations that drive people to cheat. Of course I understand the physiology, but not the psychology. Two of my friends have recently discovered their significant others have been cheating on them and I find myself wondering about it all.
First, I know how destructive infidelity can be and have no wish to participate in any endeavor that causes someone that kind of anguish. I have been in three relationships that ended because of infidelity. In each case, they told me that they needed more from me than I was willing to give. I have dated one woman who was cheating on her boyfriend… of course, as soon as I found out, I ended the relationship. So I have seen infidelity from two of the three perspectives and think I have a pretty good handle on that topic without actually ever cheating myself.
Second, I’ve read that cheaters form connections with various people through emotional, physical, or mental channels, and can’t control how these connections manifest themselves. I guess I can understand that sentiment up until the pants come off and uglies start bumping.
Back to my friends. The first was married for going on 10 years. The second isn’t married, but has two children with the cheater. The friends are, of course, women and the cheaters, men. In both cases, the guys needed to weave an extraordinary web of lies to cover the infidelity. Since both of the cheaters in this example have been caught, it is clear that lies like this will eventually catch up to you and the truth will come out.
I guess that is part of the allure of cheating, though… I mean, the idea that you are doing something wrong makes it all the more exciting. As for me, it all just seems like too much work for a piece of ass. I’m lazy and anything that requires extra effort on my part isn’t all that attractive to me. I still believe that cheating is nothing more than seeking something outside the relationship that you can’t get inside of a relationship. Whether that is some form of deviant sex or more emotion or more compliments or more affection, a cheater often justifies their action by saying it is the other person’s fault for not giving them what they need/want. Or maybe they don’t justify it, but just do it because they can.
So… have you ever cheated? I mean, even thinking about someone else in a romantic or physical sense is cheating to a certain degree. The moment you start to look outside of your mutually exlusive relationship for fulfillment, are you cheating? Or is cheating just sex outside of the relationship? I’m interested in what you all think.
How much space can I have? 🙂
Do you want to guest blog?
I believe cheating can be either emotional, physical, or both. I do not believe that an emotional connection with the someone outside of the relationship automatically constitutes infidelity, as I do embrace friendships with both men and women and enjoy what they bring to my life. One must, however, strive for internal clarity and respect for yourself and others.
I’ve not cheated, but have been cheated on.
Hmmm… Pea, so… let’s say that your husband has a female friend and they form a very emotional attachment to each other… one that oftentimes seems to be romantic in nature, but never really goes there… You’d be ok with that? For instance, if he confides in her in the way that he confides in you… speaking of things that he should be speaking to you about only? You’d still be ok?
I am really interested in what Limey has to say about all this. speak up.
Limey has a hangover and has work all day. He will comment as soon as possible; he has quite a bit to say on this issue…
LOL…do I want to guest blog? Thank you E! but I think Id rather my first gurst blog be on cricket or football ( subjects on which I am an expert :p)..rather than infidelity :))
No, that’s where the internal clarity and respect for yourself & others come in. Friendships do require an emotional attachment, naturally, but one must be clear on what level/type of emotions are involved. There is a line that can be crossed, but having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex doesn’t *require* that the line be crossed, and I would not automatically assume that such a friendship is improper. I would try to balance mutual respect & trust with being aware.
Sorry Pea, I was just curious. I agree with you that awareness tempering respect and trust is invaluable in any relationship. Most of my friends are women and I wouldn’t ever cross that line… haven’t yet anyway and don’t see a reason to.
No need to apologize for anything 🙂
I hope I didn’t come off pissy – I was just trying to be precise in my explanation of my views.
I have never cheated on anyone or with anyone in another relationship.
Then again, I’m pretty dog fugly so I’m not in the “I so want to fuck him” class of guys.
And I also have never stolen anybody else’s toys either.
hahahah! nala you have plenty enough toys for everyone!
e! You don’t have to own a Tiger to know that it can kill you !! You own a Tiger to learn how not to be killed.. I have cheated , I have been cheated on. In each instance I have learned something. It is like that damn Tiger, if you abuse in any way, the Tiger will eat you.. If you love, take care of and respect it , you eat the Tiger.. I am heading near 60 years of age, I am 20 lbs over weight,what hair I have left is silver. I have 5 children the oldest is 37 my Baby Girl is 4 years of age.I have 2 grand daughters ages 10 and 12. I am a retired US Army LTC who still works to live the lifestyle that I enjoy..
So Mr e! , If you would please, tell me something more about myself. Am I one of the 9 out of 10 people you can figure out? Can you help me with my wants, needs and desires ?
Well Patrick, I can safely say that you don’t always comprehend everything as it is presented to you… if you did, you would have understood that I can read people “in just a few minutes of interacting with them.” See, what we’re doing here isn’t really interaction… there isn’t any give and take. I’m writing and you’re reading, albeit reading only what you choose to read.
You want to IM me? Chat with me a little? Let me ask you questions and agree to answer those questions?
I never claimed to be omnipotent… I claimed that, like anyone who is a good listener, I can get a feel for who they are, what they want, and what they are willing to do to get what they want…
Or are you asking me what you had for lunch today? If that’s the case, what you’re looking for is a mind reader and I’m not too good at reading minds that are closed.
Thank you for you comments. No , I don’t want or need a mind reader. I would love to chat with you. I understood everything that you were saying. We all find out things that we want to know about people when we read their written words. It is the things that we say that interest me, not what we ask..
Life is grand brother , life is grand..