super moves

“A Swift Kick in the Pants,” my advice column, has been dormant for too long. Here are some recent requests for advice…

From: xxxxxxx [xxxxxxxx@bellsouth.com]
To: Monkey_Diarist [monkeydiarist@gmail.com]
Date: Sun, 10 July 2005 13:18:18 (PDT)
Subject: Hot Or Not?
Hey Fucker,
I may not fit the definition of a total hottie, but I’m not a dog either. I just want a guy who is in great shape, has money, and will treat me like a princess. Is that too much to ask?

Signed,
Not Feeling It

Dear Not Feeling It,
Short answer? Yes.

Long answer? Your question isn’t unusual. I mean part of being a young, urban American requires a certain level of conceit. You want more, but would rather pay less. Your standards for others are higher than the standards you strive to attain. You state that you’re average, but want someone who is above, albeit slightly, average. The trick to dating up the food chain is at least pretending to be better than what you’re settling for. In many instances, an average woman can attract an above average man by having a great personality. Unfortunately, you seem to fall woefully short in that category as well. I suggest implants and caps, the bigger, the better.

Warmest regards,

e!

From: xxxxx [xxxxx@hotmail.com]
To: Monkey_Diarist [monkeydiarist@gmail.com]
Date: Fri 9/2/2005 3:12 PM (PDT)
Subject: ASL?
Hey Fucker,

is there a new online place to meet people just for sex? Ok well I have tried yahoo and match.com and it doesn’t really seem like there are too many singles interested in purely physical relationships. I tried craigslist casual encounters and I got a lot of goofy responses. Is there another good place to look?

signed,

cute&sweet

Dear cute&sweet,

New? Well, it isn’t new, but if I’m reading your question correctly I suggest checking out the sex offender registration Website for your area. Plenty of singles there and many of them are looking for purely physical relationships.

e!

From: xxxx.xxxx [xxxx.xxxx@gmail.com]
To: Monkey_Diarist [monkeydiarist@gmail.com]
Date: Aug 26, 2005 6:17 AM
Subject: seeking a first date

Dear fucker,
I have very little experience talking to women and I have no experience asking women out. I’m 25 years old and really feel like I should get involved with someone before it’s too late. I’m thinking of the things to say before asking them out. How much chitchat before asking them out? And what is worth talking about without seeming too nosy/stalkerish/etc? What are some things to do and things not to do when approaching women?

signed,
never been there, never done that

Dear NBTNDT,

I know this is going to sound odd, sometimes I can’t believe it myself, but… in my entire 39 years on this planet, I’ve only asked one woman out on a date and it happens to be the woman I’m currently dating.

See, I’ve pretty much just stumbled from relationship to relationship without ever really having to try very hard up until I met the Red Queen. In fact, I had to work very hard to convince the Red Queen to even talk to me so that I could ask her out… I even had to enlist the help of my boss who happened to be her cousin to seal the deal!

That said, I am not without some pointers…

1) Make eye contact and keep it while talking to her. Women tend to freak out if you stare at their feet, or worse, their breasts, when you talk to them.

2) Ask questions about things that might interest her, for instance, music, art, film, and if you’re lucky, sports.

3) Really listen to her answers. Women dig guys who actually listen as opposed to guys that are just waiting to talk.

4) Make her laugh. If she laughs, and it isn’t the nervous laughter that indicates she’s reaching for pepper spray, you’re almost home.

5) Leave her wanting more. Break off before she realizes you’re on the make. Smile, tell her you enjoyed your conversation and ask if she’d like to continue it later. If she says yes, set a time right there and then, and only then ask for her number so you can make firm plans. If she gives it to you, tell her when you’ll call, then actually call when you say you’ll call. This will show her that you’re a man of your word, which women tend to appreciate.

Hope that helps!

Warmest regards,

e!

Got a question you need answered or need advice about how to handle a sticky sitch? Email me (confidentiality guaranteed)!