A few weeks ago the Web was astir with conjecture about the identity of the breasts being sold on E-Bay. Well, actually, the breasts themselves weren’t for sale, just the space overlooking the prodiguous, if not slightly leathery, cleavage. The auction claimed that the cleavage belonged to a celebrity. Now, I dislike liars more than just about anyone else, but my dislike for exaggerators is without peer. This hag is about as much a celebrity as say, the Taco Bell chihuahua. Well, actually, the Taco Bell chihuahua is an even bigger celebrity since the dog is at least famous for something remotely in the realm of “entertainment.” The clues given included:
CLUE# 1: This mystery celebrity HAS NEVER been affiliated with nor worked in the porn industry. (arguable once you know the identity of the “celebrity” in question)
CLUE# 2: Most everyone on eBay knows this mystery celebrity! (notice how the “celebrity” is limited to an auction site)
CLUE#3: This mystery celebrity hails from a celebrity family. Her grandfather was a movie director, grandma was a radio personality, and Dad is an actor/comedian. She had a an uncle who was a famous movie star but died in a motorcycle accident. A cousin is a famous actor/singer married to an also famous actress/singer. (I once had an uncle who was friends with the guy who once was a cellmate of the great grandson of the second cousin of Fattie Arbuckle! Does that make me a celebrity?)
CLUE#4: This mystery celebrity is older than Britney, younger than JLo.
(between 25 – 35 years old) (well that narrows it down some. now there are only 16.5 billion women who fit this particular criteria!)
CLUE#5: This mystery celebrity first appeared on TV at the age of 9. She also auditioned for “ANNIE” when she was 10 years old and was one of the TOP 3 choices. (the local news in bumfuck Egypt does qualify as “TV,” but as with every other claim, an exaggeration of the truth. as far as auditioning for annie… so did I! once again, a local stage production of annie is not really that big a deal is it?)
Now, any and all of these things maybe arguably true… the one thing all of them have in common is they are incredible stretches of truth. The winning bid was $7,875 and wouldn’t you know? The winning bidder renegged… why? Because the “celebrity” was about as famous as the local toothless hooker I’d see all the time down in the Tenderloin when I lived in San Francisco.
It’s GoldenPalace.com, or as she was known before she legally changed her name, Teresa Ilagen… her biggest claim to fame is that she is the cousin of “eighth-rate” pinoy actor Jay Ilagen. While I’m sure lots of people watch Pinoy Cinema, it doesn’t mean it has value as an artistic artform. If you’re a Pinoy actor/actress, you’ve got about as much pull as a door handle at home depot… you’re a dime a dozen in other words… Heck, millions watch and love Bollywood Movies, but they’re still crap… I’d rather watch back-to-back episodes of Full House than just 15 minutes of a Bollywood movie. A Pinoy film? I’d rather slit my eyeballs with razorblades and squirt them with lemon juice… Anyway, the local fame and international fame gained from appearing in either Bollywood or Pinoy cinema are a far cry from true celebrity… and while it might make you a star on a tiny island in the pacific or in the rural cow-worshipping grasslands of India, it does NOT by any stretch of the imagination, make you a celebrity in the US.
And legally changing your name to advertise a gambling website is not “controversial” it’s just plain fucking sad. Like her ugly mug. Sad, sad, sad. In a pathetic, “I wish I were famous” way.
And while I’d like to claim that I figured it out, someone else figured it out long before I even cared.