The One About Parents

There must be some kind of weird virus that is released when a couple has a child. Seriously. Normally sane people suddenly lose their mind when under the influence of parenthood.

For instance, you’re an able bodied man. Strong. Virile (obviously). Yet, the moment your child starts to throw a tantrum you suddenly become a slack-jawed yokel wondering what treat or reward will send the demon that suddenly has possessed your sweet angel back to the fiery pit of hell from whence it came. Or you’re an intelligent, empowered woman. Sharp. In control. Yet, the moment your little ankle-biter starts running amok in the theater you just smile and say, “isn’t that cute?”

I know that the trend in our world is that we should all take care with the little ones, but honestly, I’m not getting paid to deal with your hellspawn. I think that somewhere along the line, parents decided that they wouldn’t be responsible for their children. Children are a product of their immediate environment and a piss poor parent raises piss poor children, who in turn grow up to be piss poor people.

I like kids as much as the next guy… well, provided the next guy isn’t a pedophile. If you, like me, are really distraught over the state of our communities, and you have children, you need to take a good, hard look at how you raise your child and realize that you are indeed part of the problem.

When it comes to kids, I take a “survival of the fittest” philosophy. If your kid is stupid enough to get himself into a situation that could bring him/her harm, well, thats one less idiot I’ll have to deal with later in life. Yeah, I know, what you’re thinking… this guy is an asshole. Well, if it takes a million assholes to convice a million morons to take charge of their offspring, then so be it. I’m first asshole in line.

I talk to a few people with children and without fail, they believe that their child is special, that this godforesaken rock has never born witness to the magic that imbues their child. Well, let me tell you… your drooling little minion is an empty vessel. One you can fill with a variety of biases and ill manners. If you don’t correct bad behavior as it manifests itself, you’re doing your child a disservice. As they grow older and begin interacting with the rest of society, they’ll be the worse for your poor parenting skills.

I’m not advocating drive by beatings for your little rugmonkey, but I am saying there is a time and place for corporal punishment… if that doesn’t work, we can invite General Ass-kicking over for a party, but for the time being a swat on the ass when your child misbehaves is A-OK with me. Promise I won’t go calling child protective services… maybe the SPCA if your child is rather creature-like.

Bottomline: Parents, please treat your children with respect and teach them to respect others, especially their elders. Teach them about fairness and patience. Teach them how to interact with others. Teach them about the dangers in life, but remind them that a good portion of the population isn’t out to get them. Most of all, teach them that there is repercussions to every act.