I just posted this ad on Craigslist seeking a new roommate.
Mr. Newmark, Mayor Newsom, tourists of North Beach, distinguished and fellow citizens of Russian Hill: Every once in a great while, by law and by custom, I post here to consider the state of my Union Street Address. This year, I gather myself here before you, deeply aware of the decisive days that lie ahead. I must find a new roommate, effective immediately.
In a time of great consequence, I have the duty to reform the domestic program of my two bedroom apartment, high atop the vital area known as North Beach; I have the opportunity to save hundreds of dollars from a terror of mindless spending. I will work for a living situation that is broadly shared, and we, my new roommate and I, will answer every danger and every enemy that threatens our cohabitation. (Applause.)
In all these days of promise and days of reckoning, we can be confident that my two bedroom apartment, with a monthly rent of just $1620, can and will be shared equally with the right candidate. (Applause.) Which is to say, that rent will be divided equally at $810 per person so that the sum of our partnership delivers the balance of rent owed to the powers that be.
This apartment has born witness to few challenges. I will not deny, I will not ignore, I will not pass along these challenges (Phone, Satellite, High-Speed DSL) to other tenents, to other residents, and other suitable applicants unless they are of like mind and wish to partake in the bounty that walks hand in hand with my living situation. (Applause.) I will confront these amenities with focus and clarity and courage and hope you do the same.
During the last ten years, I have seen what can be accomplished when I work together with others. I lifted the standards of the shared bathroom, I achieved historic refrigerator reform — which must now be carried out on every shelf and in every drawer, so that every roommate in this apartment can eat and cook and succeed in the culinary arts if he or she chooses. (Applause.) To protect my vast collection of Bruce Willis DVDs, I reorganized my bookshelves and created the Department of Home Entertainment, which is even now mobilizing against the threat of boredom. This newly developed Department will be headed by a 46″ rear projection television, and work electrode-in-electrode with a 1000-watt stereo surround sound system, 5 disc DVD player and 5 disc CD player.
To bring the economy into mutual integrity, the burden of utilities (gas & electric) and various shared expenses of household commodoties like TP, dishsoap and cleaning supplies, such as they are, will be shared with equal consideration. (Applause.)
Some might call this a good record; I call it a good start. Tonight I ask the citizens seeking appropriate and affordable housing in San Francisco to join me in the next bold steps to serve my landlady with monthly endowments.
So tonight I have a message for the brave and oppressed people of San Francisco: Americans are a free people, but living in a safe community with easy access to Muni and various restaurants is expensive. Unless of course you choose to join me in my ivory tower high atop the unwashed masses of North Beach! (Applause.)
We San Franciscans have faith in ourselves, but not in ourselves alone. We do not know — we do not claim to know all the ways of Providence, yet we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving rent control board behind all of low rents, and all of luxury living on the cheap.
May Craigslist guide us now. And may Craig continue to bless this U.S.A (Union Street Apartment). (Applause.)
In case you made it this far… here’s the cliff notes:
Rent: $810 each (total rent: $1620)
Location: Union Street
Utilities: 1/2 Gas & Electic
Shared expenses: household items
Unlimited access to: shared livingroom, shared bathroom, shared kitchen
Close to many restaurants, bars and muni and cable car lines
No dogs, cats or creatures of mythic or alien nature.
Please Note: This is for one person. I will not discriminate due to age, color, religion, sex or sexual orientation. Extra consideration to individuals who can recite all of Bruce Willis’ movies without using IMDB.com!