I like to consider myself rather well versed in aesthetics. What I mean to say is that I understand the intricacies of fashion, you know… what looks good and what doesn’t. Never mind that my favorite ensemble is blue jeans, doc marten boots and a t-shirt. Just like I don’t need a working clue to wax poetic on politics, I definitely don’t need much more than 20/20 vision, depth perception and a reasonable color sense to rant about clothes and accessories. The reason I bring this up, not that I need a reason since this is my fucking blog, is that last night I noticed something particularly troubling.
I have a shoe fetish. Not necessarily my shoes mind you, but women’s shoes. And not in the deviant, “hammer the one-eyed monkey and wipe with a wet nap” sort of way either. I don’t like the current trend in women’s shoes. At all. I can almost hear each and every one of you laughing and saying, “Uh, Biscuit, you have trouble matching socks in the morning, what could you possibly have to offer women in the way of fashion advice?” Well, the truth is… not much. But I know what I like and what I don’t like. And if you’ve read this far, you’re at least curious enough about how far I’m gonna push my size 9s into my gaping maw to keep reading.
That said, I don’t understand why a reasonably intelligent female would take a item that has a place and a function, but not necessarily in the real world, and wear it as a fashion statement. For instance, this shoe (and it’s like) are popular among women these days… it’s called a ballet shoe. Ladies, news flash… if you’re not performing on a stage, you look like a clown wearing these shoes. It’s not flattering. In the least. I’ve been perplexed by the fact that lately, women have somehow decided that the best way to look good is to emulate things in nature. For the most part, when it comes to textures and colors, I couldn’t agree more… but when they take to emulating actual members of the animal kingdom, I draw the line. And what’s with the duck foot look these days? Is it me or has some kind of fowl taken control of women’s shoe design?
The simple fact is that either women have become lazier in recent years or they’ve just plain given up looking human. A few years ago, I noticed a trend that really left me speechless. At some point, someone, somewhere decided that women should look to the animal kingdom for fashion inspiration. For instance, the shoe on the left here is one that became quite popular a few years ago and I still see occasionally out in the concrete jungles of San Francisco.
When women wear these things, I can’t help but replay the opening sequence to Mutual Of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom in my head. I’m here to tell you that the Water Buffalo has never been an attractive animal. Even when it wears $100 designer jeans and a cute coat… it’s still a fucking water buffalo. Exactly why would any woman in her right mind choose to imitate a beast of burden, and expect anyone to think it looks good is beyond me. Look at that fucking heel! I’ve seen club-footed mountain people in Thailand with better looking feet!
All I ask is this… If you’re thinking of walking outside wearing any of these shoes (or shoes of their ilk) be forewarned, I will be taking pictures over the next few days, capturing these images for all to see. Like a big game hunter, stalking prey in the African savannah, I will capture my quarry and meticulously tear it apart… er, or something.